


tell me

by tuesdead



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 09:56:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17578691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesdead/pseuds/tuesdead
Summary: When Zayn leaves, he feels the need to explain himself, but he doesn't want to do so in person. Instead, he writes letters. What he doesn't know is that Harry writes them too, to vent his frustration and hurt.or: Louis and Harry's mum play matchmaker.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy! i just wanted some happiness, okay? don't judge me.

_ 1 April 2015 _

_ Harry, _

_ I’m sorry for doing things this way. I think, if I had to look you in the eye and tell you that I’m leaving for real, you would be able to talk me out of it. You’re the reason I didn’t leave during our first year, and the reason I stayed as long as I did. _

_ I have to do this for myself. I hope, eventually, you can understand, if not forgive me. I don’t know what we are, Harry. At least with Perrie, I know it’s all for the cameras. In a few months, I doubt we’ll even be together. But, also, there’ll probably be another one. I do hope they can take something more than some fans from these situations. _

_ I don’t know how it’s going to feel the longer I go without talking to you. I think that’s why I’ve decided to write letters. To help me dissect how I’m feeling. I know that I miss you every day, but I also feel like I can finally breathe. I want too much from you, it was like I couldn’t get enough of you. And I never  _ _ wanted _ _ to be the kind of person who cheats on his significant other, even if our relationship is all for PR. _

_ I know we can’t change the past, but sometimes I wish I could. I never expected to get addicted to you, to get so wrapped up in you that I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I wasn’t with you. _

_ I can’t bring myself to truly regret you though, so please don’t be offended. I suppose it was just never in my plans to fall in love. _

_ Which, speaking of, I love you. I was completely blindsided, Harry. And I’m sorry, because I know you don’t feel the same. Anyway, I don’t really know what else to say, now. You’ll probably never receive it. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _

_ / _

_ 25 March 2015 _

_ Zayn, _

_ I don’t understand. I thought you were coming back, you were supposed to come back. _

_ I’m angry. I’m pissed off and hurt and I feel like this is my fault. You told me you were coming back, but you were lying. You already knew you weren’t coming back, didn’t you? Was that the plan? Lie to me so I couldn’t even try to change your mind? Why did you lie to me? _

_ Fuck you. _

_ Okay… I went for a shower and came back, but I’m still pissed. You know, I never expected us to be together like a real couple, but I thought maybe I mattered to you a little bit. _

_ You should have told me. _

_ It’s not fair. I wanted us to have more time. I thought we had more time. _

_ Did I ask for too much? Was I too demanding? Or did you just decide you didn’t want me anymore? _

_ I want to come after you. Hell, if you would just call and ask me to, I’d follow you anywhere. You have this power over me and I hate it because there’s never going to be anyone else like you. _

_ I can’t even hate you. I’m angry and it hurts so much, but I know it’s because I miss you. _

_ I miss you, Z. _

_ I fucking miss you. _

_ Harry _ _ _

_ / _

_ 1 April 2015 _

_ Zayn, _

_ It’s been a week and I don’t know what to do with you gone. You’ve been such a staple person in my life. I relied on you so much, I told you more about me than anybody else ever knew. _

_ I suppose there’s one thing I could have told you. Should have. But I have no reason to believe it would have changed anything. _

_ Is it all wasted time to you? Do you wish you could take it back? I don’t. I think if I had to choose somebody to experience the past few years with, it would still be you. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for you. _

_ I should thank you. It hurts right now, but I know you wouldn’t want me to be in pain. _

_ I’m going to put in for a hiatus again, in a bit. I think we deserve it. _

_ Yours, _

_ Harry. _ _ _

_ / _

_ 5 November 2015 _

_ Harry, _

_ It’s funny. I still wake up in the middle of the night expecting you to be there, expecting your arm around my waist, your head of curls tucked under my chin. And now, the kicker is, I have a new girlfriend for PR. Her mum is a nightmare, but she seems like a sweet girl. I suppose we’ll see. _

_ This morning, I was drinking my tea, right, and I realized that I had made it the way you always take it. And the worst part is, I know it’s going to happen again. _

_ Somebody told me that you’re all going to be playing on New Year’s Eve. I’m sure I’ll be watching. I miss your face. I miss kissing you. I miss you. _

_ I’ve been working on an album. I didn’t realize how much I’d be able to get off my chest, but the words have just been pouring out of me. You’ve inspired a lot of it, too. _

_ I wish I could call just to hear your voice, but I know that you’re angry. I can’t blame you. I do hope that we can learn to be civil again. But, there will always be speculation. I’d hate if people judged you because you were with me for awhile. You should have seen how people treated my mum. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _ _ _

_ / _

_ 31 December 2015 _

_ Harry, _

_ You look good. I’m definitely a sucker for the hair. _

_ I’m sorry. Hitting on you already… I suppose I always have done that to you. How many times have I called you sexy in an interview? Or all the touching? Kissing your neck? I did it so many times, but can you blame me? Did you hate it? I’m sorry, if you did. Ever since that first time together, going any amount of time without touching your skin or playing with your hair is torture. Even now. _

_ I’m really just reiterating the fact that I miss you. _

_ As it turns out, Gigi and I share a lot of similar views. Her mother, however, is a big hindrance in her life, if you ask me. _

_ Speaking of mothers, yours called me today. I adore her, Harry, she’s such a great person. She asked me how I was, if I was having a better time now, since I can write my own music without people rejecting it. _

_ And she told me you’ve been talking about a solo career. You’re going to be fantastic, Harry. I can’t wait to hear you. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _ _ _

_ / _

_ 1 February 2016 _

_ Zayn, _

_ I wish you were here. Sometimes I feel like it takes so much work just to conjure up a smile. You always knew how to make me smile. _

_ I guess I have it really bad for you. I don’t know how to say it, it’s all in my chest and my throat and I feel like I’m choking on the memory of you. _

_ I miss your hands. I miss waking up beside you. I miss looking over at you on stage to realize you were already looking at me. Sometimes, I can’t stop myself from tearing up when I hear your name. _

_ I’ve made some new friends and we spend a lot of time together. They don’t constantly remind me of you the way the others do. _

_ I was thrilled when I heard about you and Perrie. Does that make me a bad person? I suppose karma knows, because I was immediately down again when I heard about the model… _

_ But the two of you look so good together. Do you make love to her the way you made love to me? I bet you don’t. _

_ Yours, _

_ H _ _ _

_ / _

_ 2 April 2016 _

_ Harry, _

_ This is the first letter I’m writing that you’ll actually receive, and I’m sending it to you because I got your email and I have some advice. _

_ Go to Jamaica. I was there recently and it was so  _ _ so _ _ good to get away for awhile. There’s a studio in the hotel I’m going to recommend. Work on your music there, you’ll get some inspiration, I promise you. _

_ I’m sending a gift with this letter, I hope it finds you well. It looks better on you than it does on me anyway. _

_ Details enclosed. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _ _ _

_ / _

_ 30 April 2015 _

_ Zayn, _

_ You sent me your rose ring and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s my favorite piece of yours and it was always significant to me when we were sleeping together. Because at least I had more of your time than  _ _ she _ _ did. _

_ You bloody well know I’m going to wear it. Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve given me hope. It scares the hell out of me, because I still care so damn much and I don’t have the slightest clue. I mean, I never had your devotion. Did I? Were you too shy to tell me? _

_ If there is even the slightest chance we could reconcile a piece of what was between us, I think I could be okay with that. _

_ Yours as always, _

_ H _ _ _

_ / _

_ 13 December 2016 _

_ Harry, _

_ I’ve made amends with Liam and Louis. I really wish I could just talk to you, but I don’t trust myself not to get down on my knees and beg for a piece of your heart. _

_ It always felt like I could only have you if we were sleeping together, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe you could have loved me, eventually. _

_ I’m looking forward to your music. I always felt that much closer to you while listening to your lyrics. It was the only time you weren’t guarding your heart. I remember the song you wrote for Ariana. Was that about me? Thinking back, I had a bit of crisis while listening to it. _

_ And the song you wrote with Meghan? I listen to it when I miss you. _

_ Well, I miss you all the time, but… you get the point. _

_ I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, I guess, and I think maybe you did have feelings for me, at first. But perhaps they went away, or maybe you got better at hiding them. I wish you didn’t feel the need to lock them up, especially from me. _

_ Do you know, every time I saw you running around the stage with a pride flag, I wanted to wrap you in it and kiss you. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _ _ _

_ / _

_ 3 January 2017 _

_ Zayn, _

_ It’s January. As I’m sure you can see above. I was cleaning out my desk, throwing things out. I came across the letter you sent last April, about Jamaica. And you said, ‘this is the first letter I’m writing that you’ll actually receive.’ _

_ Do you mean versions of the same letter, or have you been writing me letters this whole time? _

_ Isn’t that a bit romantic? Of course, you’ve always been a soft romantic. And I adore it. I suppose I never realized how often you used that charm against me, I’m a slut for romance. If anybody knows that, it’s you. _

_ If you  _ _ have _ _ been writing me letters, I hope one day I do get to see them. _

_ Does that mean maybe you want to know about the ones I’ve written for you? Maybe one day I’ll send them to you. _

_ Yours, _

_ H _ _ _

_ / _

_ 25 May 2017 _

_ Harry, _

_ I’m at a loss for words. Over the past few days, I’ve listened to your album over and over again. And I’m just… I’ve spent as much time as possible taking apart the lyrics and trying to find a clue, something to tell me that you weren’t writing about me, but, and it’s funny, because it was Gigi who said it. That maybe ‘From The Dining Table’ was about me. She said that even she could tell that Kendall and I look similar, because she spends a lot of time with both of us. _

_ I’m honored, if it’s true. It sounds too good to be true. I can’t stop shaking. _

_ I’m working on something.  Maybe you’ll notice. I’m hoping you notice. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _ _ _

_ / _

_ 22 June 2018 _

_ Harry, _

_ I decided not to write any letters for awhile. I’ve been working on things. You’ve been touring. I’ve been thinking. A lot. _

_ I went to the show tonight. I was in the box and you kept looking like you wanted to know who was up there. _

_ You sang ‘Still the One.’ And fuck, Haz, I’ve been away for too long. My memories of you on stage are nothing compared to seeing you live again. _

_ I really miss you. Maybe I’ll send this letter. Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to send all the letters. Maybe I’ll get trashed and put them all together and drop them in your mailbox. Maybe. _

_ I’m at the point where my façade is starting to crack. I don’t want to pretend that we were never close. What am I trying to hide from? I thought, since people always used your past relationships against you, that it was for the best, but… _

_ I’ve changed my mind. _

_ And, hey. I’d give up everything. Just ask me to. _

_ Yours, _

_ Zayn _

_ p.s. I love you, H. I’m so in love with you. _

_ -z _ _ _

_ / _

_ 3 October 2018 _

_ Zayn, _

_ I hate it when I see you somewhere, like in a restaurant or a shop, and I can’t walk up to you and say hello. _

_ It would feel like stepping all over your boundaries. It feels like there’s a brick wall between us, just short enough that we can stare at each other over the top of it, and at this point, I’m not even sure which one of us actually built it. Maybe it was me. Maybe I was afraid of letting you know just how much you had me. _

_ You had all of me, Zayn. Everything. As much as I could give and more. You had it before I even knew I was giving it away. _

_ Yours, _

_ Harry _ _ _

_ / _

_ 4 October 2018 _

_ Zayn, _

_ I didn’t realize how much writing these letters helped me deal with all of my anger and hurt after you left. I don’t think I quite understand, yet, but I haven’t stopped trying and I don’t feel anymore anger at you for the way things were left. _

_ Maybe some of your music helped. Maybe I’ve had the time to reflect. My first letter to you feels so mean now. _

_ I want to send them to you, all of them. I don’t have the guts. _

_ Louis, however, does. He’s going to bring them to you, so I suppose this is the last thing I have to say. I miss you. I don’t want to be strangers to each other. I don’t want to lie to the press because we’re afraid. No more. _

_ Can we figure this out? _

_ Yours, _

_ H _

_ p.s. Can I see the letters you mentioned? Please? _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dialogue heavy

Louis walks into Zayn’s house uninvited and drops a stack of envelopes on his lap where he’s sat on the sofa. “Here. You’re welcome.” He walks to the kitchen and comes back with two beers, caps off, handing one to Zayn. “You’re going to need that, I think. Go on. Open them. I think the one on the top is the most recent.”

Zayn’s not sure why, but his heart is racing. His palms are sweaty. “What are they?”

“They’re from Harry. And don’t even try to kick me out, it’s not like I don’t know that you’re still pining for him. Fucking read the letters.”

Zayn distantly wonders if his life has become one of those Hallmark movies.

Zayn opens the oldest letter and it’s dated back to the very day he left. Harry’s handwriting is messy and erratic, and the page has little water marks blurring a few of the words. Harry had been crying, which wasn’t a shock, since Harry attached himself to the people he was close to. But it still sucks, because Zayn had never wanted to make Harry cry.

The letter comes off as angry, but Zayn knows that Harry’s anger usually stems from hurt, attempting to mask it. Harry’s also doubting himself, wondering if he had done something wrong, and admitting that he misses Zayn.

The second letter isn’t angry, it’s bittersweet, bringing up old feelings in Zayn that he’s afraid to think about. The third is sad, closing Zayn’s throat, making his hands tremble. All except for the last paragraph. It makes him smile.

“What?” Louis leans in, reading over Zayn’s shoulder. “Well… did you?”

Zayn hums. “No. Not at all.”

The next one steals his breath for a moment. Sending the ring had been a long shot, but Zayn had seen photos where Harry was wearing it, and it had definitely lifted his spirits, so Harry explaining that it was a hopeful moment brought out even more of the feelings Zayn had buried.

The fifth makes Zayn smile. Only Harry would call himself a ‘slut for romance’, and he’d only say it to Zayn.

The last two are dated a day apart and only a few days have passed since they were written.

“Zayn?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

Zayn stares at the wall for a moment. “I’m good. I’m… more than good. Where is Harry right now?”

Louis shrugs. “Asleep. He’s leaving for London sometimes tomorrow.”

Zayn nods. “Okay. Yeah, I should be able to beat him there.”

“You’re going to fly to England? Why?”

“I’ve letters to deliver,” Zayn tells him, getting up. He disappears into his bedroom, but comes back moments later with another stack of envelopes. “I’ve been writing to him, too.”

-

Zayn books a last-minute flight to London in the middle of the night, which is really lucky. He gets a room for a few days in a Bed & Breakfast, then he phones Harry’s mum. He has a new number, changes it every few years, so she doesn’t know who’s calling when she picks up.

“Hullo, this is Anne.”

“Hi, love. It’s Zayn.”

There’s a short pause. “Zayn, darling, are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Um. Louis told me Harry’s coming to London today. Is it okay if I leave something for him with you?”

“Of course, love. What’s going on?”

Zayn clears his throat. “I’m… in love with your son. I just found out he’s been writing me letters since I left. But, I’ve been writing him, too. I was hoping you’d give him the letters for me.”

She says, “Darling, are you in England?”

“Yes, I’m in London at the moment.”

“When did you get here?”

“About an hour ago.”

She hums. “Let’s meet for lunch, okay?”

-

A little girl asks Zayn for a picture in the cafe where they meet, so Zayn gives her the cupcake he’d decided he didn’t want after paying for it, and the hug she gives him is better than any type of icing, anyway.

“Have you ever thought about it?” Anne is smiling at him in the way only a mother could.

“Thought about what?”

“Being a father.”

Zayn shrugs. “Sure, but I’m not in any hurry. I still have time.”

She nods, smile even softer. “Where are you staying, love?”

Zayn explains the small Bed & Breakfast and then they talk about Zayn’s family, how Gemma’s doing. Before they realize, they’ve talked for over two hours. Anne hugs him after he hands her the stack of envelopes. “I’ll see you soon, love?”

“I hope so,” he says. “Thank you for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, darling. Now, make sure you let me know the next time you change your number.” She pinched his arm on their way to the exit.

-

When Harry steps out of the rental car, he’s not at all expecting to receive a text from Grimmie containing a picture of Zayn.

> _what’s this about?_

He waits for a response while he grabs his duffel from the backseat.

 _look closer_ <

Harry sighs and opens the picture again, but Zayn’s just taking a picture with a little girl. The second photo, however, is of Zayn handing her a cupcake, but Harry’s dumbfounded to see that his mum is sitting at the same table as him. As it happens, she pulls into the drive beside Harry.

“Mum,” he greets, following her into the house. “Grimmie just sent me a photo of you with Zayn.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles at him. “We went to lunch.”

He drops his bag by the stairs and meets her in the kitchen. “When was he in London? Louis just saw him in New York last night.”

She hands him a stack of envelopes. “These are for you, love.” They have his name on them in neat print, but there’s not a mailing address.

“Mum?”

She smiles at him. “I’ll start on supper.”

-

Harry isn’t sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t a stack of letters from _Zayn_ , of all people. He had known about them, he had, but he didn’t think he’d ever even seen them! Especially not the day after he’d sent his with Louis.

But practically the same day? It had only been hours.

So. Zayn had left the way he did because he _knew_ Harry could have talked him out of it. Zayn felt suffocated.

Zayn loved him.

It didn’t even come as a shock to Harry. It felt more like waking up to find out somebody has left an extra blanket on you because you were cold in your sleep, or finding a post-it in your lyric journal telling you to sleep well after a long day.

The second letter is harder for Harry. He can feel the longing in Zayn’s words and wonders how many times Zayn woke up missing him, how many times Zayn made his tea the way Harry took it.

A letter from December 2016 tells Harry that Zayn was considering begging Harry to love him, which was and is completely unnecessary. And Harry reads through Zayn puzzling out exactly what Harry had done (and regrets).

Zayn heard the message. He heard what Harry was trying to tell him through his music. He knew, but still tried to talk himself out of it. Only Zayn.

The final letter really does it, though. Harry slumps back against his pillows and reads through it more than once.

Zayn had been at Madison Square Garden. Zayn had been the shadow in the VIP box that Harry had been _so_ curious about. Zayn had been there for “You’re Still the One”, and Zayn still missed him.

Zayn quoted One Direction lyrics at him.

Oh, of course, and Zayn _still loves him_.

-

After supper, after Harry is showered and wearing his comfiest pair of jeans and a sweater, he says, “I have to go see Zayn.”

His mum smiles at him. “He’s here in the city. Arrived a few hours before you. He’s staying at a Bed & Breakfast.”

Harry shakes his head. “I don’t understand why he came here.”

“He said he didn’t want to wait to give you the letters, and he didn’t want to be in another country while you read them.” She hands him a key. “He also said that, if you want to talk, he’s probably asleep. He’s been awake for two days straight.”

-

Harry finds the right place without any setbacks, so he lets himself into Zayn’s room and pauses, standing there. Zayn’s on the right side of the bed, loosely curled on his side, and he looks peaceful.

Harry kicks off his shoes and jeans and crawls onto the bed beside him, sliding under the duvet, tracing his fingers over the stubble on Zayn’s jaw. Zayn rolls over in his sleep, hands tugging Harry closer, so Harry rolls too, pulling Zayn’s arm around his waist. His eyes were already getting heavy, but he couldn’t say why. Perhaps he’s finally able to relax.

Harry wakes up first; he knows because Zayn’s arm is still around his waist, his face pressed to the back of Harry’s neck.

It feels like home.

It’s not much later when Zayn wakes, slowly, the sun starting to brighten the clouds as daylight penetrates the sheers. He tightens his grip, realizes he’s holding onto something, and loosens his arm a bit. “Oh.”

Harry turns over in his arms, pushes his fingers through Zayn’s hair. “Hi.”

“Oh.” Zayn’s still half asleep, his smile is lazy. “There’s usually a bit more yelling in dreams like this.”

Harry can’t help it, he kisses Zayn, gentle. “You dream about me?”

“That’s a silly question. Of course I do.”

Harry fights a smile. “You didn’t mention that in your letters.”

Zayn’s eyes had slid shut when Harry kissed him, but now he blinks a few times, stares. _“Oh.”_

“Zayn.” Harry tugs on a strand of hair. “I’m glad you’re here.”

He gets a shy smile in return. “Yeah?”

“Even if you did go out with my mum.”

“Hey, it was Anne’s idea,” Zayn shoots back, but that tiny smile is still there. “When… when Louis said you were going to London, I just… I had to be here. Middle of the night, or not.”

Harry brushes a thumb along Zayn’s jaw. “I know. And thank you. Um… when did you get here?”

“Like one-thirty.”

Harry hums. “Zayn?”

“Yeah?” he asks, soft. His fingertips trace down Harry’s neck, up to his jaw, his lips.

“I love you too.”

Zayn really looks at him, now. “Pinch me.”

Harry pinches a spot on the back of Zayn’s jaw. “C’mon, I’m serious.”

“I know you are, H. I don’t think you’d be here if you weren’t, babe.”


End file.
